American Ninja

Michael Dudikoff

Sam Firstenberg

1985

We meet our "hero" Joe Armstrong (DUDIKOFF) like 15 seconds into the movie already looking extremely unlikeable. The nice looking people he's around are enjoying a game of hackey sack while he stands there playing with a switchblade and looking like a dick. It's impossible to tell who any of these people are because the quality of this stream is total shit. For some reason a whole group of soldiers including Dudikoff are escorting a generals daughter. 

Credits are rolling and I'm laughing out loud because some guys name is actually Guich Koock. "Construction workers" block their path and like total idiots they fall for it besides Dudikoff. The phony workers pull out some guns and make everyone get out of their cars/trucks. The driver of one of the cars gets his head smashed through a window and doesn't even bleed or anything, must have spent all the money on Dudikoff. The Generals daughter gets back into the car and tries to drive away while Dudikoff makes the worst distraction ever. She goes like 3 inches before her tires get shot out then another 20 yards before she flips the car. I already hate this movie. 

Dudikoff somehow beats up 3 guys with guns pointed at him and then there's a god awful fight between the soldiers and whatever the villains are supposed to be. There's some more ridiculous stunts with Dudikoff and then random Ninjas show up in the middle of this nameless South American country! Dudikoff stops arrows going at his head with a shovel. I'm genuinely shocked that they hired a Japanese actor to play the main ninja. The Ninjas chase Dudikoff and the Generals daughter then easily give up after 3 minutes, it's pretty boring.

Dudikoff FINALLY says something and he has the wimpiest most un-action hero voice I've ever heard. Back at the camp some guy blames everything on Dudikoff so now everyone feels the same way about him that I do. Apparently the Ninjas are working for some black market guy because why the fuck not? Dudikoff gets chewed out by the asshole General who's daughter he saved. They give backstory on Dudikoff and it's really dumb, he has amnesia and was found near Japan 6 years earlier. If you're into bad acting you need to watch all the other soldiers talk to Dudikoff. Commence boring, stupid, and utterly pointless flashback scene.

Very dumb scenes showing the villains are happening, you're not missing anything important. I used to love kung fu movies back in high school, I probably would have worshiped this pile of crap back then. More scenes of the soldiers calling Dudikoff "karate-boy" "hero" and "badass". A fight scene happens where Dudikoff gently throws some guy over and over then dumps water all over him. NOW HE HAS THE SOLDIERS RESPECT AND THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS!

And now here comes the bad jokes and the romance subplot, ugh...

The mean guy who's constantly been yelling at Dudikoff is on a date with the black market guy and spots Dudikoff on his own date with the Generals daughter UH OH! The black market guy piratically shouts that he wants Dudikoff dead while a waiter is 2 feet away from him, if the movie doesn't care then I don't either. I hate the mean guy's accent so much, it's like "I'm not from New York but I saw a movie about it and heard people talk like this so that's what I'm going to do"

Dudikoff is given a job to do but it's really an ambush by the Ninjas and then there's a really bad fight scene with dubbed voices that are way too loud and hurt my ears. Somehow this brooding asshole manages to beat like 20 Ninjas all by himself. Vehicle chase scene happens and it's actually kind of awesome cause Dudikoff fights a guy on a motorcycle with a sidecar thing and forces the guy into the sidecar then drives it straight into a truck! Dudikoff is really bad at chases and gets stuck underneath the truck and rides it into the black market guys plantation. 

I still don't understand the black market guy hiring Ninjas. It had to be cheaper just to hire a cartel or mercenaries instead of flying out like 500 Ninjas to fight for you. Clearly he was more concerned about the aesthetic of the whole thing as opposed to not being a dumbass. 

I'm just gonna call him Dudi from now on because it's too annoying to type the other 4 letters

Dudi spazzes out and is forced to leave the plantation, once again the Ninjas give up after less than 5 minutes of looking. The Ninjas sneak into the base but Dudi is awake and I'm pretty sure he's making finger puppet shadows. Awesome ninja stuff happens with knifes but they refuse to show blood in this movie so what is even the point? How are you going to make the squish noise and not even show blood? Dudi is almost killed but it saved by some soldiers showing up and then dying a few seconds later. Dudi and friends tell the General about his corrupt friend and he "launches an investigation" which means he's arresting Dudi. The Generals daughter is very upset by all this.

Dudi escapes by jumping through a window and driving away. The mean fake New York guy screams "SON OF A BITCH" at him and it's really funny. The mean guy THEN throws a soldier out of a car. Dudi easily beats him in the car chase and he drives his car straight into a tree when he could have easily hit the brakes or turned out of the way, the car explodes. 

R.I.P. Mean Fake New York Guy

It's then revealed the General is corrupt too! Wow what a extremely surprising and not at all predictable twist!! The ninjas break into the Generals house and I'm not really sure what they did to his daughter, they might have killed her or drugged her and kidnapped her. Who knows? Yet another shocking revelation, turns out the whimsical Japanese man trained Dudi when he was a child. They show all these rad looking weapons but I don't care because I know they're barely going to use them and there wont be any blood. 

Dudi shows up right when the black market guy is trying to sell whatever he had, the movie never bothered to tell me. There's a big ninja battle between Dudi, his master and all the bad guys. Why they don't just shoot him while he's distracted fighting all these guys is beyond me. Dudi's master literally disappears then reappears 5 seconds later and sacrifices himself to save Dudi. Dudi's awesome friend shows up shirtless shooting a giant machine gun while on a Jeep, easily the best part of the movie. The black market guy has the Generals daughter hostage on a helicopter and the General runs after it and gets shot and dies. Somehow the main ninja bad guy can shoot fireballs and lasers out of his hands like how Spider-Man does with webs.

The helicopter flies right above Dudi instead of flying anywhere else where he couldn't have jumped onto it. Dudi grabs the Generals daughter and they jump out then Dudi's friend blows it up with a rocket launcher. It's finally over.

My analysis:

I really really really hated this movie. There was honestly one cool thing in the entire movie and it lasted 2 minutes. There were zero one liners, I would have taken a bad one by the end of it. The Kung-Fu was stupid and generic, not having any amount of blood besides one moment at the end is really stupid, lazy and cheap too. All the cool stuff was in the trailer including the shot of Dudi posing in front of an American Flag that looked rad as hell wasn't in the actual movie. DO NOT watch this movie, it's not fun, it's not interesting, it's boring as hell. Somehow this movie made over 10 million dollars and spawned 4 sequels. 0/5

Michael Dudikoff Body Count: I didn't keep track because you can't tell if someone died or just was injured

Bone Breaking Noises: NONE. ZERO. NULL. NULA.

Favorite Line: Jackson: Whatcha gonna do with that hose huh? Ya gonna play with yourself?

Under Siege

Steven Seagal

Andrew Davis

1992

Casey Ryback (SEAGAL) seems like an ordinary cook except for the fact that he's totally awesome. He walks around the ship in some stupid black outfit while everyone is in their fancy white ones waiting for the President. Seagal is all DGAF. He's doing a terrible Louisiana accent and telling even worse jokes, ugh... They're retiring his ship which is from Pearl Harbor or something, borrrinnngggg. Ryback is shown chopping carrots really fast, which means he's a master chef. 

I forgot to mention that Gary Busey is in this. GARY BUSEY GUYS! He and Ryback don't get along well. Ryback starts dancing with some dude that everyone is calling Cue Ball. I think it's because he's bald, how clever guys. Some idiot ginger comes in and RUINS EVERYTHING! Ryback makes some dumb joke about him hitting puberty and everyone laughs. Tommy Lee Jones is shown on a helicopter is one of the most idiotic outfits I've ever seen in my entire life. Gary Busey again starts yelling at Ryback and spits in his already gross looking soup type liquid. Everyone hates Ryback, and I think I do too. 

Ryback pushes Busey and then punches him in the face and beats up some wimps. He gets locked in a meat freezer, bummer town. This supposedly "good looking" girls shows up (spoiler, she's ugly) for the captain's birthday party. She takes a ton of motion sickness pills, typical model. 

The band that Tommy Lee is in is playing and from what I can gather, he's pretty much the Flava Flav of the whole group. Busey shows up (IN DRAG) and goes up to the captain's office and shoots the captain. Tommy Lee asks for the highest ranking officer and some dofus stands and gets shot in the face, haha awesome. The takeover of the ship begins.

Ryback is complaining in the meat locker about how dumb this guy is that's guarding him. Busey is looking through files in the captain's office, sees one about how insane he is and looks at Tommy Lee and says "Do I look like I need a psychological evaluation?" They find some disk that does something (I was eating pizza rolls and not paying too much attention.) Special Ops guys kill the guy that's guarding Ryback and then Ryback kills them! Tommy Lee shoots down a plane, no clue why. It turns out that Tommy Lee is a former CIA Agent who's all angry because the CIA tried to kill him! His specialty was "taking over battleships". Wait, what? They talk about a sub he took over and blew up, but it turns out he didn't blow it up and he's using it for this silly plan of his.

Seagal is wandering around when he bumps into a huge fake cake, the ugly girl from earlier gets out and starts dancing. They start talking about she mention how she's an actress, I lol'd. A bomb Ryback set in a microwave goes over, another dude gets dead. It's discovered by Tommy Lee and Busey (finally not in drag anymore) is an ex-Navy Seal.

More stupid jokes from Seagal while he tries to convince the girl not to follow him by locking her in a locker, yuuupp.

Busey and Tommy Lee are talking about how rich they are going to be and Busey says he's going to "buy the presidency" with all his money. As if that can be done!

Seagal eventually let's the girl come with him (what a sweetheart) and she gets caught. Seagal kills 7 dudes and saves the girl, no problemo. Busey starts to flood the area where they're keeping almost all the crew members. Seagal rescues some of his fellow crew members and they are all wanting to be heroes, except for one clown who's only there to hang out with the ugly Playboy Model.

A pretty dull gunfight ensues, Seagal kills everyone, blah blah blah. Some villain (I think he's deaf) is just standing there and Seagal drops a huge metal beam INTO HIM, awesome. 

FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, there's a knife fight! Seagal stabs a guy through the armpit and then runs another guys shoulder through a table saw! The Navy Seals are arriving on a helicopter when they are blown up. It took like 45 seconds for them to appear and then die.

Seagal makes a homemade bomb and swims over to the sub and tries to blow it up. One the way there he's shot at by every non-blind person that can see him. His bomb goes off and he gets hurt. Some really crappy actor that I recognize but can't figure out who it is shows up and does the typical stupid villain thing where he talks and talks but doesn't kill but he himself gets killed!

Seagal makes his way back to the crew where they're shooting off rockets to the sub. Busey is all cocky that he'll make it out alive. The sub is hit and explodes. R.I.P. GARY BUSEY'S CHARACTER!

Tommy Lee Jones shoots two missiles towards Hawaii. Seagal gets in yet another awesome hand fight and he RIPS A GUYS THROAT OUT! Jones eventually finds Seagal and SURPRISE SURPRISE, they know each other. Seagal talks to Jones about how we're all puppets being ruled over by the same person, he's so right brah. There's an awesome knife fight between Seagal and Jones. Eventually Seagal gouges Jones' eye out and stabs him through the top of the skull! The two missiles are destroyed and Seagal is a hero and kisses the ugly girl, guh-ross.

My analysis:

I thought Under Siege was a lot better the first time I watched it. There should have been more one-lines and more hand to hand combat. Still a solid action movie, I'd watch it again if I wanted to laugh with some buddies. 3.5/5 

Steven Seagal Body Count: 19 (not including explosions)

Bone Breaking Noises: 1

Favorite Line: Jordan Tate: I hate being alone. Casey Ryback: Do you hate being dead?

Opening Credits/Title Sequence

Welcome to the first, and best action movie blog/review/joke blog thingy! If you like action movies, this is the place to be! I'll be doing reviews of movies I love and movies I've never seen before.
Action movies are my life, I take them a lot more seriously than I should. I hope I can make you laugh and check out some awesome flicks!
Leave me comments on what you think, suggestions for movies to watch etc...