Michael Dudikoff
Sam Firstenberg
1985
We meet our "hero" Joe Armstrong (DUDIKOFF) like 15 seconds into the movie already looking extremely unlikeable. The nice looking people he's around are enjoying a game of hackey sack while he stands there playing with a switchblade and looking like a dick. It's impossible to tell who any of these people are because the quality of this stream is total shit. For some reason a whole group of soldiers including Dudikoff are escorting a generals daughter.
Credits are rolling and I'm laughing out loud because some guys name is actually Guich Koock. "Construction workers" block their path and like total idiots they fall for it besides Dudikoff. The phony workers pull out some guns and make everyone get out of their cars/trucks. The driver of one of the cars gets his head smashed through a window and doesn't even bleed or anything, must have spent all the money on Dudikoff. The Generals daughter gets back into the car and tries to drive away while Dudikoff makes the worst distraction ever. She goes like 3 inches before her tires get shot out then another 20 yards before she flips the car. I already hate this movie.
Dudikoff somehow beats up 3 guys with guns pointed at him and then there's a god awful fight between the soldiers and whatever the villains are supposed to be. There's some more ridiculous stunts with Dudikoff and then random Ninjas show up in the middle of this nameless South American country! Dudikoff stops arrows going at his head with a shovel. I'm genuinely shocked that they hired a Japanese actor to play the main ninja. The Ninjas chase Dudikoff and the Generals daughter then easily give up after 3 minutes, it's pretty boring.
Dudikoff FINALLY says something and he has the wimpiest most un-action hero voice I've ever heard. Back at the camp some guy blames everything on Dudikoff so now everyone feels the same way about him that I do. Apparently the Ninjas are working for some black market guy because why the fuck not? Dudikoff gets chewed out by the asshole General who's daughter he saved. They give backstory on Dudikoff and it's really dumb, he has amnesia and was found near Japan 6 years earlier. If you're into bad acting you need to watch all the other soldiers talk to Dudikoff. Commence boring, stupid, and utterly pointless flashback scene.
Very dumb scenes showing the villains are happening, you're not missing anything important. I used to love kung fu movies back in high school, I probably would have worshiped this pile of crap back then. More scenes of the soldiers calling Dudikoff "karate-boy" "hero" and "badass". A fight scene happens where Dudikoff gently throws some guy over and over then dumps water all over him. NOW HE HAS THE SOLDIERS RESPECT AND THEY'RE ALL FRIENDS!
And now here comes the bad jokes and the romance subplot, ugh...
The mean guy who's constantly been yelling at Dudikoff is on a date with the black market guy and spots Dudikoff on his own date with the Generals daughter UH OH! The black market guy piratically shouts that he wants Dudikoff dead while a waiter is 2 feet away from him, if the movie doesn't care then I don't either. I hate the mean guy's accent so much, it's like "I'm not from New York but I saw a movie about it and heard people talk like this so that's what I'm going to do"
Dudikoff is given a job to do but it's really an ambush by the Ninjas and then there's a really bad fight scene with dubbed voices that are way too loud and hurt my ears. Somehow this brooding asshole manages to beat like 20 Ninjas all by himself. Vehicle chase scene happens and it's actually kind of awesome cause Dudikoff fights a guy on a motorcycle with a sidecar thing and forces the guy into the sidecar then drives it straight into a truck! Dudikoff is really bad at chases and gets stuck underneath the truck and rides it into the black market guys plantation.
I still don't understand the black market guy hiring Ninjas. It had to be cheaper just to hire a cartel or mercenaries instead of flying out like 500 Ninjas to fight for you. Clearly he was more concerned about the aesthetic of the whole thing as opposed to not being a dumbass.
I'm just gonna call him Dudi from now on because it's too annoying to type the other 4 letters
Dudi spazzes out and is forced to leave the plantation, once again the Ninjas give up after less than 5 minutes of looking. The Ninjas sneak into the base but Dudi is awake and I'm pretty sure he's making finger puppet shadows. Awesome ninja stuff happens with knifes but they refuse to show blood in this movie so what is even the point? How are you going to make the squish noise and not even show blood? Dudi is almost killed but it saved by some soldiers showing up and then dying a few seconds later. Dudi and friends tell the General about his corrupt friend and he "launches an investigation" which means he's arresting Dudi. The Generals daughter is very upset by all this.
Dudi escapes by jumping through a window and driving away. The mean fake New York guy screams "SON OF A BITCH" at him and it's really funny. The mean guy THEN throws a soldier out of a car. Dudi easily beats him in the car chase and he drives his car straight into a tree when he could have easily hit the brakes or turned out of the way, the car explodes.
R.I.P. Mean Fake New York Guy
It's then revealed the General is corrupt too! Wow what a extremely surprising and not at all predictable twist!! The ninjas break into the Generals house and I'm not really sure what they did to his daughter, they might have killed her or drugged her and kidnapped her. Who knows? Yet another shocking revelation, turns out the whimsical Japanese man trained Dudi when he was a child. They show all these rad looking weapons but I don't care because I know they're barely going to use them and there wont be any blood.
Dudi shows up right when the black market guy is trying to sell whatever he had, the movie never bothered to tell me. There's a big ninja battle between Dudi, his master and all the bad guys. Why they don't just shoot him while he's distracted fighting all these guys is beyond me. Dudi's master literally disappears then reappears 5 seconds later and sacrifices himself to save Dudi. Dudi's awesome friend shows up shirtless shooting a giant machine gun while on a Jeep, easily the best part of the movie. The black market guy has the Generals daughter hostage on a helicopter and the General runs after it and gets shot and dies. Somehow the main ninja bad guy can shoot fireballs and lasers out of his hands like how Spider-Man does with webs.
The helicopter flies right above Dudi instead of flying anywhere else where he couldn't have jumped onto it. Dudi grabs the Generals daughter and they jump out then Dudi's friend blows it up with a rocket launcher. It's finally over.
My analysis:
I really really really hated this movie. There was honestly one cool thing in the entire movie and it lasted 2 minutes. There were zero one liners, I would have taken a bad one by the end of it. The Kung-Fu was stupid and generic, not having any amount of blood besides one moment at the end is really stupid, lazy and cheap too. All the cool stuff was in the trailer including the shot of Dudi posing in front of an American Flag that looked rad as hell wasn't in the actual movie. DO NOT watch this movie, it's not fun, it's not interesting, it's boring as hell. Somehow this movie made over 10 million dollars and spawned 4 sequels. 0/5
Michael Dudikoff Body Count: I didn't keep track because you can't tell if someone died or just was injured
Bone Breaking Noises: NONE. ZERO. NULL. NULA.
Favorite Line: Jackson: Whatcha gonna do with that hose huh? Ya gonna play with yourself?
